Closing lifetimes.

Did you know that on the other side of boundaries comes peace? How many of you are feeling anxious and fearful about putting boundaries?

Today I am closing lifetimes. Lifetimes of repressed pain and misconceptions of the integrity of who one should be. Me. Who am I without the other became my quest of life. Who am I without the other became my lifetime study of my-self. Integrity. Painful enough to go through the uncovering of one’s deepest scars. But you see, it took me lifetimes of coming back, over and over again, to finally decide to say no to what does not know. Better than I do. About my-self.

You see, when you actively decide to say no to those who think they know better about you than you, you finally decide on the opposite to say yes to who you really are. Does it manifests right away? No. Does it happen right away? Yes. Intention. With the intention of saying yes to you, you are already creating that reality. But, if you have been used to so much pain, in your body, mind and soul, you probably got used to it. So, my dearest, you will be asked not to change or to recreate yourself, but to unleash what you needed at a certain time of your life experience.

The sad part of that is that it was integrated in you, in such a way, that it became part of your DNA, and that on a strictly rational level, we can say that it literally feels like an addiction. This is not very much talked about, because when we talk about addictions, we use to refer to something out of ourselves, mostly a substance that has a biological effect and is more accountable. But the addiction I am talking about is the most central and ancient addiction one can have but invisible to the eyes: the emotional one.

Mostly, we hear talking about that as co-dependency. Co-dependency, as life has given me to experience, has the same effects on me. Being addicted to the other, by convincing myself that without them, I’m gonna die. Looking myself through the eyes of who you wanted me to be, and changing my behaviour and life perception until it fit your desires. I was addicted to you. Strictly addicted to you. But what exactly is addicted? Or addictive about you? Not the reality, but what our brain and memories relate to that reality, and therefor how it makes us feel. That feeling, is a feeling of deep attachment, deep clinging over a strong desire to pursue the attention of that other. It then becomes like a wire all over your physical and energetical body and that of the other. Wherever you go, if you don’t go through the emotions you are actually hiding away from, you will feel that addiction again and you will relate as such to that other.

I tried to change places, I tried to change countries, only to make sure, I wouldn’t see him again, but he became my so desired substance, a desired substance of an unreal reality, that held me over water when I was mostly about to drown. So, becoming co-dependent, or whatever you reach out for to avoid true feelings of discomfort, serves a purpose, even if we think it is totally destructive. But first we need to understand that those mechanisms are there because at one point of our lives we needed them to feel better. And if you are like I am, my imagination is the most powerful substance I have. I literally lived a relationship over 15 years and many past lives, in my head. What a painful truth that is, to recognise that one is not able to detach effortlessly especially because it is “all in our heads”, so this is an invitation to look around and to start taking care of yourself.

One therapist once asked me: “You feel that way about that person, ok. So now, I’m gonna ask you this: is there anything, something, one thing that this person is doing, acting or saying RIGHT NOW that is going in the direction of what you feel and therefor about what you would want it to be?” I tried hard to justify every action or behaviour, every little breadcrumb to just make it fit to that reality… of my dream. A dream. A fantasy dream. And the truth is, as dark and cranky as it can be, at the end, how is it that when we ask ourselves this question “is this making me feel good”, we know it isn’t. Because the truth is, mostly all of us want to feel good, right? I came to the conclusion, that the “wanting to feel good” was a wanting to feel good about myself, the ego part that was telling me that it cannot accept that it was wrong all this time.

So, then, I had a friend of mine reflecting with me about my pattern one day and asked me this: “Tamara, do you want to feel good? Like, do you really want to feel good?" And suddenly, a part of me woke up. I could feel different parts of me answering, but the part I remember most was the part that said “I’m not sure”. I’m really not sure, do I? Do I really want to feel good? How could I? Did I know what that even means? In my perception? So the addictive part, the mental and emotional part wasn’t sure. This is where I started a dialogue within myself. A real one. One part asking why I’m not sure and the other answering. It became the beginning of my dialogue with the divine. God. The Soul. It became the beginning of the true acknowledging that that person was pointing out to that addiction, the sorrow I was living in, starting to become one big opportunity to dive deep into the depths of my suffering and dissatisfaction of life.

What is wrong with us to not be able to answer right away “of course I do want to feel good”? What went wrong so badly? And is it that irreversible? That pain that you inflicted upon me? Who was I all this time? If you see the part you take into that experience, you also recognise, that the work that is mostly done, is the work about oneself. By work I mean the healing aspect, the recognition aspect of it. Because you come to the realisation that the pain was not inflicted in you by another, but that pain you decided unconsciously to relive over and over again, out of fear. Fear of existence. Fear of feeling what is discomfortable to feel, because you were mostly left alone feeling that specific thing not knowing what to do about it.

Others are just reflections of what we allow on a deeply and often times unconscious level. It is that part that is still asking to be seen. Unconditionally. And when I say unconditionally, I really don’t mean the idealogical level of love we hear talking about in the spiritual cult or dogma. When I say unconditionally, to me it means, without judgement. I don’t agree that we should prove a pure love only when it is without any condition. A boundary for me, sets a condition. A boundary is not conflict, it is not defensive, it is not loud, it is precise, it is peaceful, it is clear and even powerfully non-verbal. It is energy. And conditions to me are held because we are humans. It is the most powerful divine gesture we can show to the light within us and serve as a vessel to the transmission of our Soul into our life experience.

But I do agree that we can learn how to remember a state of compassion, of non-judgment. It reflects a state of seeing what is, but not tolerating it, because we now see our most potential, because we now are on our way to discover what good means to us. Not the other. On a soul level I can be in a state of love, not permanently, because there is human within me. That love is balance, it is the reflection of the equianimity within us. It is geometrical equilibrium between the body, mind and soul and therefor the universe around us. All is part of how God created me. So denying one self, would be denying a condition I had to go through to be able to say no to what does not serve me.

After all those years of being emotionally addicted, there is a transition phase that is hard to grasp but if it would talk it would say this “but if I release that substance/human/feeling, all that I’ve practically known for lifetimes what will you bring me in return”? And the honest answer is, that we don’t really know, because it is a space that cannot be understood through the mind nor emotions. But it sure is such a perfect question to ask from your wounded place. And it sure is the part that wants so badly to be freed from that toxic wire and become wireless. In its literal sense. Wireless, clean of energies that are sticky and oppressed.

Today, I invite you to ask yourself, no matter what circumstances, how is this serving me? What is this giving me? And do I want to feel good? Don’t look up for perfect answers, there are not wrong answers, only the perfect ones for you. Today, I invite you to think for yourself. Only yourself, you’ll see, you have enough voices within your inner world that are the reflections of the outer world. People are afraid of perfection, but to me perfection is actually the imperfection on itself. You ARE perfect as you are. With boundaries. Boundaries bring clarity, they bring what I call discernment, they distance yourself from mental and emotional confusion. The more you get there, the faster you can see right trough those who don’t.

Thank you for the gift.

Thank you for reading me.